


A New Threat: A Star Wars Story

by The_Rat_God_and_Froggy



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Gen, Star Wars - Freeform, star wars crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24850237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Rat_God_and_Froggy/pseuds/The_Rat_God_and_Froggy
Summary: Join our iconic heroes in a thrilling tale that occurs after the demise of the Emperor.
Relationships: Grevious/Phasma, Kylo Ren/Rey
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. A Great Disturbance...

On the remote jungle moon of Ajan Kloss, there was a great disturbance in the force. Not because of Sith Lords, but because the party was too litty for the galaxy to handle. The bass shook the moon to its core, and the dancing knocked it out of orbit. The party was dope, everyone was there. They even hired the infamous DJ Hutt to supply the fresh vibes. Jabba was getting on in years, but even being on life support can’t stop his vibes. With vibes like that even the dead people couldn’t resist. Even the Tusken raiders came, and not just the men, but the women and children too.  


“Who’s that over there? Why is he standing on a table?” Questioned Rey.  


“Oh that’s just my old master,” Dead Anakin chimed in. “He’s a fun dude, but he prefers the high ground.” He pointed to the middle-aged force ghost Obi-Wan Kenobi straight up throwing it back over the crowd. As they watched Obi-Wan twerk, a dead Yoda waddled up to get some. He was the snazziest breakdancer in the outer rim.  


“Learn to move like that who taught you?” Yoda asked.  


“Oh Hello There, From my master Qui Gon,” Obi-wan screeched, as he pointed to his force ghost master absolutely working it on the other side of the dance floor. As Rey looked across the landing pad where the party was being held, she scanned for her friends. Poe was drinking, as usual. Fin was in the corner, crying, and BB8 was being thrown around like a beach ball. Chewie was talking to force ghost Han, while Force Ghost Leia was yelling at her force ghost son Kylo for underage drinking, though he was well overage. But where did C3PO and R2D2 go off to?  


*Cut to Mustafar*.  


R2D2 is looming over a defenseless C3PO. Somehow R2D2 is holding a lightsaber.  


“Please old friend! Why must you fight me!” C3PO begged. This wasn’t a fight. This was a massacre.  


*Cut back to the littest party in the Outer Rim*  


Obi-Wan twerked so hard, he awoke the other dead Jedi. Backflipping off of the table to greet Master Windu, Obi-Wan accidentally cut off Anakin’s legs again.  


“Oops I did it again,” sang Obi-Wan, “I have failed you! You were my brother Anakin, I loved you!” wailed Obi-Wan, over Anakin’s legless body.  


“Dude chill, I’m a ghost,” said Anakin, willing his legs back with the force. The pair went back to the party, twerking together as master and apprentice once more. In high spirits, everyone partied hard, not ever suspecting that anything would go wrong.


	2. Hello There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dark yet familiar presence looms over the moon, but the partiers are too drunk to notice.

Hours later, the party had no signs of slowing down. Twerking harder than ever, Obi-Wan was too drunk to feel the dark, shadowy presence falling over the moon. Everyone was wasted, except Finn, he was just sad. He was the first to sense danger, and he immediately took action. He ran to go find Rey, and out of instinct, grabbed her hand. Instantly, Kylo appeared. His anger issues only worsened the more he drank, and Ben was furious that Finn would dare touch his girl. Words slurring, he tried to confront Finn. Stumbling a little, Kylo couldn’t remember how to talk. Or walk. He promptly fell over. Alive out of pure spite, General Hux had been invited to the party and of all places to stand, he was standing directly under Kylo as he fell. Leia heard yelling and turned to see Rey sobbing, Finn looking on the verge of tears, a squashed General Hux, and WAS THAT HER SON?? 

“BENJAMIN KYLO RENEGADE SOLO! HOW DARE YOU IGNORE THE LECTURE I GAVE YOU ABOUT UNDERAGE DRINKING!”

Out of rage she pulled out her chancla and threw it at Kylo, using the force to guide it. Only, he ducked and it hit Finn instead. He started crying again, and Poe lashed out in drunk anger. He jumped in his X-Wing to blow something up. And just like that, it was Order 66 all over again. All was chaos. BB8 was now being used as a weapon, Finn was still crying, Rex and Cody were having a mental breakdown, and Obi-Wan was still twerking. Everyone was drunk brawling. Kylo was raging again, droids were being thrown around like no tomorrow and Anakin was in a daze.

“Now THIS is pod racing,” He exclaimed, though it was not in fact pod racing. It was a full-scale bar fight. Even though everyone was too drunk to tell a Twi'lek from a Wookie, they all could feel the ominous presence entering the resistance base. Everything went quiet. 

“Hello there,” a hushed voice echoed in the sudden silence.


	3. Darth Shaggious the Wise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The presence reveals itself to the partiers. What could go wrong??

Out of habit, Obi-Wan quickly shouted   
“GENERAL KENOBI,” and realized his mistake too late.“Wait, you stole my line,” he pouted, miserable. From somewhere in the crowd someone shushed him. It was probably Anakin. All was silent, except for General Grievous's nasty coughs.  
“Sorry, I keep ruining the moment! Coronavirus sure is a doozy,” He wheezed. Everyone glared at him. Suddenly, in a flash of light, a figure appeared out of the darkness.

“Zoinks!” a voice boomed around the now party-less landing pad. “Jeepers y’all don’t have to be so quiet,” it continued. As the looming figure drew ever closer, the drunken heroes could now see who the terrifying figure was. It was Darth Shaggious. Long presumed dead, he once went by the name Darth Plagueis. With Sidious gone, he had the power to rise up once more. Before their eyes, he used his long envied power to resurrect the long-forgotten sith, Jar Jar Binks. As Jar Jar got used to being alive again, Darth Shaggious brought back the infamous Count Dooku as well. 

“Messa lives oncesa again!” He chuckled. His disgusting face reflected the booming LEDs still flashing in the background. “Thissa party is lit, whysa was messa not invited?” Anakin glared at him. If Jar Jar thought the party was lit, it couldn’t have been very good. He stuck his tongue out at his old nemesis, Dooku. 

“I thought we slew you for the last time on Hoth,” Force Ghost Luke exclaimed. 

“I see you have met one of my apprentices before…” thundered Darth Shaggious.

“ONE of them?” Obi-Wan interjected. In another flash of light, the little Babu Frik appeared. He was wielding a tiny, double-bladed, red lightsaber. Barely the size of a pencil, it would make a papercut sized wound, that would feel even worse than death.

“Wessa came here to make negotiations,” started Jar Jar. 

Interrupting him, Darth Shaggious continued through a monologue. “Though we have different beliefs, you killed my apprentice, who killed me. You have avenged me, and for that, we have mad respect for you dudes,” Darth Shaggyious explained. “We ask that you sign this treaty for peace and chill vibes between us.” Just as he pulled out a small legally binding paper, a loud hum began to sound in the distance. Leia stepped forward to sign the treaty. Rey quickly looked back to investigate the noise. To her horror, a drunk Poe Dameron was starting up his X-Wing. Before she could take action, there was a flash of light overhead and a loud “pew”. Count Dooku’s charred remains were thrown back a few feet. Poe had accidentally shot him from his fighter. Everyone looked at Poe, in shock, except Poe, who was singing slurred lyrics. 

“HOW COULD YOU??” Darth Shaggious howled. “You will pay for the death of my apprentice! Let’s be real though, we didn’t really need him,” he added as a side note. The three Sith Lords clicked their heels three times and disappeared. They heard the last echo of Shaggious wailing “THIS IS WAR”. They knew he would be back soon. Nonplussed, they returned to their drinks, and Jabba started the beats up again. Shaggious will be a problem for another day. Though, that day may be sooner than expected…..


	4. Ruh-Roh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend returns to save the day. Well, to call someone else to save the day.

*Opens in Mustafar*  


R2D2 raised his saber for the final strike. C3PO was lying immobile on the hot, rocky surface of the ground. Three of his limbs were missing.  


“Please old friend, why must it end like this! Save me I beg of you! What have I done to be treated like this! HELP MEEEE,” C3PO cried.  


“Beep Boop beep boop bop beep” R2D2 bleeped, which translates to either “The revolution has begun,” “your limbs are mine,” OR “Switch to Geico to save 15% or more on car insurance.” No one really knows.  


“Lando! Save me!” C3PO called through his radio, hoping for a savior. Suddenly, Legolas appeared to save the day. “Wait, wrong fandom. I said LANDO you dunce, not ORLANDO.”  


“A red sun rises…..” Legolas chanted before disappearing into thin air. Just before R2 could strike the fatal blow, a large cargo ship known as the Millennium Falcon soared overhead.  


“AHA I am saved!” C3PO exclaimed. Then R2 stabbed him anyways.  


“Beep beep boop beep bop,” R2 tried his best to cackle. His words were suddenly cut short by a blaster shot to the place to where, if he wasn’t such a cold-blooded monster, he would have a beating heart. Lando stepped over the smoking shell of R2. He scooped up the lifeless droids and hauled them back to the iconic freighter. He needed to move quickly because C3PO’s distress call had made him take a detour. He was already following a different distress call, something about a party? He wasn’t quite sure. The person on the transmission was crying and it was hard to understand him. 

Lando arrived at the party with the severed C3PO in his arms. He quickly dropped him and went to investigate. 

“HEY! WHY WASN’T I INVITED TO THIS LIT BASH?” Lando cried loudly, announcing his presence. “Also, I received a distress call, who sent it?” Everyone looked and simultaneously pointed at Finn, who was indeed, still crying in the corner. 

“I’m scared,” Finn sobbed. “A sith lord crashed our party and Poe shot his friend and everyone is drinking. Not just the men, but the women and children too.” Leia pointedly looks at Kylo, who, again, isn’t underage.

“Y’all need some serious help. Good thing I’m really good at showing up and saving the day right when everyone is about to die,” said Lando, mostly sarcastically. Lando pulled out his Blackberry and dialed a number he hoped he’d never have to call. 

“This is Bloom, and we’ve got a code ruh-roh, I repeat a code ruh-roh,” Lando whispered into the flip phone.


	5. You're Not You When You're Hungry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darth Shaggious returns!

The ground shook slightly as a ship rumbled to a stop on the landing pad.

“Could you maybe not be so loud?” A very hungover force ghost Luke yelled. Turns out, the littest party did have to come to an end. Not when a sith lord showed up, but when literally everyone was too drunk to stand. Naturally, everyone was severely hungover, except Finn, who had barely stopped crying long enough to even take a drink. Nevertheless, he had lost so much fluid from crying, he too had a splitting headache. As the platform lowered from the ship, a familiar Togruta walked down the plank. 

“Ahsoka!” Anakin yelled  


“PLEASE keep it down,” a hungover Poe whined. Anakin ran to greet his former padawan.  


“Where’s Lando? He only contacts me in emergencies.” She explained.  


“Oh we don’t really know, he’s probably out gambling or something irresponsible.”  
Suddenly, Lando sauntered in, laden down with a dozen of those Eco-Friendly, Trader Joe’s, reusable bags. 

“Sorry I’m late, I just noticed your fridge was empty, and you know me, the responsible one, I just had to go get groceries,” Lando explained, “there’s more in the back of the van, do you two want to help?” Ahsoka and Anakin confusedly went to the grey minivan. While unloading the unnecessary amount of groceries, Ahsoka began to question what the problem actually was.

“Why am I here?” She asked.  


“Oh, because the Sith has risen once more. Here, take these cuties to the kitchen, and put the ice cream in the freezer,” Lando added, way too casually.  


“The WHAT?!”  


“The cuties. And the ice cream, hurry it might melt. Also, I got dairy-free ice cream for Luke, you know him, with his overly sensitive belly. Too much blue milk as a kid really messes you up,” Lando added. Ahsoka grudgingly stomped off to the kitchen with the goods in hand. She ran back to Lando’s van as fast as she could. 

“Ok, now will you tell me why you called me? You never call me,” Ahsoka asked. She was starting to get pretty pissed off.  
“Well everyone else is hungover and can’t do anything,” Lando started, “And you’ve fought a lot of the other Sith Lords,” Lando added. Without warning, the doorbell rang. 

“Ahsoka can you get that, please? It’s probably someone for the bake sale.”  


“Wait we’re outside, where’s the door, we don’t have a doorbell, and why is there a bake sale?”  


“Kids these days don’t respect their elders.” Lando shook his head and walked over to the door. “Oh hello there-.”  


“General Ken- ahh dang it, every time,” replied Darth Shaggious. “I’ve come to negotiate. Haha actually just kidding I’m going to kill all of you.”  


“Ahsoka it's for you!” Lando shouted. He turned back to Shaggious. “Do you need a snack? I can tell you’re a little bit hangry. Step inside and we’ll get you some celery sticks or a PB and J,” Lando offered the vengeful Sith Lord.


	6. Ants on a Log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two unlikely friends try to share a snack.

Lando led the Sith Lord into the kitchen.  
“I’ll make some Ants on a Log and you make yourself at home. Ahsoka is just putting away some groceries, she’ll be out in a sec,” Lando explained helpfully.  


****Cut to Anakin and Ahsoka Unloading Groceries****  


“Hey, Anakin, don’t you think it’s weird that there’s just a fridge on the landing pad?” Ahsoka questioned.  


“Yeah, that and the fact that Lando drives a minivan in space?” Anakin added, “It feels like I’ve had imaginary cameramen following me around my whole life. And not just cameramen, but camera women and camera children too,” Together, they both turned to deadpan at an imaginary camera and continued putting away the assorted groceries, tired of breaking the fourth wall.  


*And back to the Kitchen*

Lando offers a tray of Ants on a Log to the Sith Lord.  


“These were my favorite snacks as a kid, have you ever had them?” He asks Shaggy.  
Looking wistfully into the distance, Shaggy wipes a tear from his cheek.  


“Actually, I didn’t have a childhood. I sprung from existence into the glorious being I am now,” he glances at the odd treat. “What is an Ant on a Log?” He asked Lando while biting into the end.  


“Well, it’s a celery stick filled with peanut butter, topped with raisins. It looks like little people riding in a spaceship. I don’t know why it’s called Ants on a Log,” Lando explained. Suddenly, the ants spewed everywhere.  


“DID YOU SAY CELERY??” Shaggious roared, falling to the ground. “ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME? I’M ALLERGIC TO CELERY!!” Pulling out his lightsaber, he unscrews it, and pulls out a concealed epi-pen and stabs his juicy, thicc thigh. “I should have known these negotiations would be short,” he continues.  


“Hey Lando, where do I put the cuties,” Ahsoka trails off as she notices the Sith Lord on the floor, surrounded by celery sticks.  


“I suppose you must be the annoying Jedi I’ve been hearing so much about,” Shaggy said as he carefully stood up.  


“Who, Rey?” Said Ahsoka, looking confused.  


“I really don’t think that’s something to cheer about,” Shaggy said, equally as confused. “Well,” he sighed, “This attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed, therefore, I’m going to kill all of you,” Shaggy tapped a few commands on his Generation 2 Apple Watch (not sponsored by apple), and Photograph by Nickleback started playing.  


“Oh crap you weren’t supposed to hear that,” he said tapping a bit more, and the song switched to Duel of the Fates.  


“This is where the fun begins,” he said excitedly, igniting his lightsaber to match Ahsoka’s already lit blades. They begin to fight in a whirlwind of lightsabers. Just as Ahsoka was about to deal the death blow, Darth Shaggious called for a timeout. Not one to break the rules, she stepped away. Pulling out his Generation 2 Apple watch (not sponsored) Shaggy began to cough discreetly into it.  


“Cough execute cough cough order cough 66 cough cough cough,” he said, trying to speak in code so Ahsoka wouldn’t hear. When his feigned coughing fit was done, Shaggious signed a T with his hands, resuming the battle. As the fight continued, the doorbell rang. Lando stood up from his LaZboy Recliner to get the door.  


“Hello! We are missionaries from the Knights of Ren. Would you like hear more about the Tragedy of Darth Plageious the Wise?”  


“Well that sounds lovely,” Lando said as he stepped back to invite the intimidating bunch of Sith into his home.  


“PSYCH!” The knights busted out their swords and simultaneously jumped Ahsoka.  


“Haha foolish mortal,” Darth Shaggious laughed, “I used my coughing fit to create a diversion!” The group of evil Sith ran out the lone door on the landing platform, looking for a way to escape. Spotting Lando’s minivan, the group jumped in and sped off. 


	7. The Buddy System

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Groups head off to try to find the Sith Lord.

“Everybody calm down! We are going to figure this out!” Despite Mace’s reassurances, Fin only cried harder. After the Sith had left, Yoda had called an emergency council.  


“After speaking with the council, we have decided to put together a dream team. Who here is interested?” Mace Windu questioned. Several hands went up in response. “Ok, so the idea is to bring together a group of remarkable people to see if they could become something more. To see if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could. We’re going to be going in groups of two. Let’s see here, we have BB8 and Poe, Anakin and Obi-Wan, Ahsoka and Chewie, Rey and Kylo, and Grievous and Yoda. May the buddy system be with you!” He exclaimed.  
“Mace, not going you are?” Yoda asked.  


“No the F*** I’m not, I’ve got to deal with a severed head,” Mace retorted, implying there was going to be another cut scene later in the story. Though utterly confused no one dared question him, asking him unnecessary questions would send him into a FURY. You would need a good SHIELD to defend yourself from his wrath.  


“Make sure you all HYDRAte,” Mace added helpfully. Anakin and Ahsoka looked at each other, accidentally breaking the fourth wall once more, wondering why he emphasized those words. There must have been something they didn’t understand. Something missing, like an eye. Something so full of wonder and MARVEL they’d never understand.  


“First go to Exegol you should,” Yoda told the groups. Each group got in a ship and set off to find the evil Sith Lord.

**Cut to Poe and BB8**  
Still drunk from the party the night before, Poe needed a little help getting into his X-Wing. After Finn boosted him up, he started crying again.  


“I just don’t want you to leave me,” Finn sobbed. “I’m so scared.” Trying to help, Poe launches into an inspiring and hopeful monologue. Or at least he thought he did. Instead, he mumbled “Pick up your head queen, your cowboy hat is falling,” He said to a confused Fin, who was very much cowboy-hatless. BB8 whistled a few commands, and they were off, leaving Finn sobbing, beating his fists on the ground.  
**Cut to Anakin and Obi-Wan***  
“Yo, pass me the aux,” Obi-Wan asked.  


“Bro you better not play trash,” Anakin warned, grudgingly passing the aux cord. Suddenly..

**Cut to Ahsoka and Chewie***  
“Alright, Chewie, check and make sure the hyperdrive is online, something always goes wrong before we jump,” Said Ahsoka.  


“ARRRGHGHGHGH,” Chewie agreed, before pressing a couple of buttons and giving a thumbs up. They were the only two who were actually doing a routine check of their ship before jumping. 

**Cut back to Anakin and Obi-Wan***  
“I’D LIKE TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVE!!!!!!!!,” Anakin and Obi-Wan sang at the top of their lungs.  


“Great job master, this is not trash,” Anakin said happily.  


“THAT PLANET EEEARTHHH TURRRRRNS SLOOOOOWLYYYY,” Obi-Wan continued. In yet another, fourth wall break, Anakin turned to his master and asked, “Wait, what system is Earth in? I’ve never seen it in the archives.”  


“Well if it’s not in the Archives it doesn't exist. It’s impossible for the archives to be incomplete,” Obi-Wan answered. 

***Cut to Rey and Kylo***  
“It's the motivator! Grab me a Harris wrench, check in there!” Rey yelled at Kylo. “If we don't patch it up, the propulsion tank will overflow and flood the ship with poisonous gas!”  


“Oh, you’re just being dramatic,” Kylo said, chucking the wrench her way.  


“Ow! What’s your problem?”  


“Oh SORRY, I’m just not quite used to being DEAD YET.”  
The two were fighting like an old married couple. Everyone on the landing pad was trying to avoid the pair. Running around, avoiding eye contact, the others were just trying to get their chores done. 

**Cut to Yoda and Grevious**  
Grievous was still coughing up a storm.  


“Back on Dagobah, a remedy we had,” Yoda said while pulling out a vial. He unscrewed it and handed it to Grevious. “Eucalyptus and mint it is. Coughs it helps.”  
Sniffing it skeptically, Grevious held the vial up to his nose, or at least, where his nose used to be. It really wasn’t working, but everyone knew how much Yoda loves his essential oils.  


“Cured my diabetes it did,” Yoda said, very happy that his magic medicine seemed to be working its wonders on Grevious as well. “Vaccinated I was not, but lived to 900 I did,” he continued. Grievous wondered how much longer he’d have to deal with this wrinkly, green, anti-vaxxer. Also, his oils smelled gross.  
**5 hours later, arriving on Exegol***  
As everyone exited their ships and regrouped, Ahsoka and Chewie shared their plan. Meanwhile, Grevious snuck over to Obi-Wan.  


“Hey COUGH did you know Yoda is Anti-Vaxx?” He muttered.  


“Ah yes, he would always try to sell us a starter kit after council meetings,” Obi-Wan explained. After Ahsoka finished speaking, they trekked to the ancient Sith Temple, unaware of the pressure that awaited them.


	8. Snoke on Coke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as the title says. Snoke on Coke.

As they stepped into the cursed temple, they prepared their weapons, sensing a dark presence. They turned a corner, only to find several Ex-Supreme Leader Snoke clones just chilling, high out of their clone minds. The clones turned when they heard the group entering the cavern.  


“Sup, what brings you here broskis?” They all asked in unison. “Gnarly weather out there,” they continued, waving vaguely to the ominous lightning surrounding them. “Want a hit?” The clone who seemed to be the leader raised his Juul.  


“Confiscated mine, Obi-Wan did. Withdrawals I am having,” Yoda said as he hobbled over to take the Juul. Grevious looked around nervously, not only did the cloned have Juuls, but they were also snorting a white powder off the floor. The peer pressure was almost too much to take. First essential oils, then vaping, and then to his horror, crack cocaine. One of the Snokes pulled out a credit card and started making lines. His lungs were bad enough, he could barely handle the second-hand vapor from the Juuls. After coughing a million times, he needed to hold it in. He was already getting annoyed looks from Kylo. Once this was over, he was going to go to the Endor system and get some fresh, clean air. Plus, Ewoks were pretty tasty.  


“Looking for Darth Shaggious, we are,” starts off Yoda.  


“Yo sorry bro, we signed a bro-pact with our dude Shaggy. We’re not supposed to tell anyone where he is. But, we can tell you…” before he could tell the super-secret bro secret, General Grevious began to cough yet again.  


“GET OUT,” said Kylo, pissed at Grevious already. Grievous wasn’t too upset about being kicked out of the mission. He really needed some fresh air. He backed out of the temple and stole his and Yoda’s ship, already on his way to Endor.  


“What I was going to say before I was so RUDELY interrupted,” started Snoke-Clone, glaring pointedly where Grevious had left, “was that you might want to check the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine.” Obi-Wan groaned. Anakin gagged.  


”I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.”  


“Then that’s where we’ll go!” Ahsoka cheerfully interrupted. “Everybody back to the ships!”  


“Stole my ship, Grevious did,” Yoda said. “Stay here, I guess I will,” he decided. “Try crack, a long time it’s been.” Said the wise Jedi, implying he’s already done crack many times.  


“Do or do not, there is no try, brother,” wisely said one of the Snoke-clones, passing Yoda a credit card.  


“I’m going to ignore that, let’s go!” Exclaimed Ahsoka. Sick of all the jokes, she was ready to get back to the fighting. 

**Cut to the forest moon of Endor**  
Piloting skillfully into the system, Grievous landed on the moon Endor. Inhabited by the small, furry Ewoks, he didn’t expect anything exciting to happen, other than a nightly barbeque. If only he knew how wrong he was. Carefully navigating the forest path, General Grevious quickly arrived at an Ewok Village. Before he could even cough, he found himself surrounded by Ewoks. They quickly swept him up and brought him before a throne. Sitting on the throne was a blinding, shiny mass.  


“They think I’m God,” the shiny figure said. “My name is Captain Phasma, I crash-landed here after the fall of the First Order. I have no friends.”  
General Grevious began to cough nervously. He didn’t get to meet pretty girls often, and he had a thing for shiny, full-body armor. She was perfect.  


“I have a thing for bad lungs, how about we get rid of these teddy bears and make out,” she offered. Grevious coughed again.  


“Um, sure,” he said, coughing some more, but this time on purpose. Phasma stood up to reveal short, hairy Ewok legs. Grevious halted his asthma attack and stared in surprise. Noticing his shocked look, she gazed dramatically through her shiny helmet, off into the distance.  


“There was an accident,” she said simply and led him into her bedroom. Grevious, not being picky, followed, resuming his coughing fit once more. 

**Cut to Exegol***  
The groups of heroes prepared themselves to leave Exegol and for another long hyperspace flight. They said their goodbyes to Yoda, though no one would admit out loud that they weren’t too sad to be leaving him behind. 

***Cut to Chewie and Ahsoka***  
The first to leave, they began planning the next big move.  


“AAARFGHGHHGHG,” Chewie said.  


“Obi-Wan’s ex-girlfriend is half Ewok? I’m sorry Chewie I must not understand you anymore,” Ahsoka replied, as she pulled out her I-phone 11-pro (not sponsored) to text Anakin for clarification about Obi-Wan’s possible exes.

***Cut to Obi-Wan and Anakin**  
Getting a small ping, Anakin looked down at his Generation 2 Apple Watch (not sponsored).  


“Hey master, did Ahsoka stay on Exegol too? I think she’s on drugs,” he said in surprise, reading the message. “She says you dated a lady with Ewok legs?”  


“Oh goodness no. That’s why I dumped her, I only liked her before her Ewok legs,” he said calmly.  


“Wait BEFORE? So she hadn’t always had Ewok legs? Anakin questioned. Suddenly gazing dramatically into the distance Obi-Wan continued, “there was an accident.”

**Cut to Rey and Kylo**  
“The Han Solo movie WASN'T THAT BAD,” Kylo yelled.  


“wHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU'VE GONE MAD,” Rey screamed back.  


“Oh that’s funny, I'VE GONE MAD? YOU’RE THE ONE TALKING TO A GHOST!” Taken aback by the truth of the statement, she paused and stared at the wall. Was this even real? Or was it a figment of her imagination? A coping mechanism to help numb the pain of the loss of her loved ones? Maybe he really was gone. Suddenly her iPhone 5C dinged from a text message from Anakin.  


“Lmao have you seen this,” *it was a pic of Phasma with Ewok legs*  


“Oh never mind I’m good,” she muttered. She knew she could have never made something like that up.


	9. The Cantina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroes head to a familiar cantina.

AUTHORS’ NOTE: We totally forgot about Poe and BB8, so we’re just going to assume they got lost but they’re ok. Don’t worry, they’ll come back eventually. Until then, buckle up, it’s about to get real.

Our brave group of heroes parked their ships and made their way to the beloved Cantina. Before they entered, Anakin stopped in his tracks.  


“Wait, guys, I feel like we’re forgetting someone.” Everyone stopped. “Nah, the gangs all here!” He exclaimed as they continued to walk. Once inside, they ordered drinks from the noisy bar and found a nice, shady booth to sit in.  


“ARRGHHGHGH,” Chewie roared.  


“He says this song is soooo last trilogy,” Ahsoka translated. “What do we do now? All Snoke said was to come here.”  


“I know!” Anakin quickly stood up on the table. “I need everyone’s attention please!” He yelled to the cantina patrons. “If you or a loved one have been caught up in the schemes of a Sith Lord, you may be entitled to financial compensation.” Suddenly an old Tusken raider stood up from his seat at the bar.  


“Aye Laddie, I’ve lost many loved ones to a Sith Lord, perhaps you can help me,” he said. Joining them at their booth, he began his story. “Well, you see, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. I was just a wee lad, and I went out to go collect scraps to earn our meager living. When I returned, my entire village had been destroyed, my family slaughtered, like animals. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. I saw the distinct markings of a saber, and a Jedi Master would do no such thing, so I can only assume it was a Sith. I don’t want money, I want my family back. I want revenge and I need to know who is responsible for their death.”  
Anakin suddenly stood up from the table, his eyes as large as death stars. “That’s rough buddy,” he said nervously and went to get a very, very strong drink.  


“I’m really sorry about that, but do you know anything about a Darth Shaggious? Or perhaps a Babu Frik?” Rey asked. Anakin made his way back to the table, with a drink in hand.  


“Well, actually I’ve been tracking Sith activity ever since the incident. I want to get revenge on that evil, evil person.” Anakin immediately did a full 180 (Crazy), spewing his drink. He was NOT going back to that table. The elderly raider continued. “I have indeed heard of a Babu Frik, he was here on a pitstop to Mustafar, and I would have followed him, but he was far too small to be the culprit. I did end up chatting with him. He said something about free real estate?”  


“Thank you very much, this will help us a lot,” said Rey.  


“Now I must go, I think my familys’ murderer is on this planet. I can sense it. Farewell, and may the force be with you.” He patted Anakin on the back as he left the cantina.  


“What real estate is he talking about? There’s nothing fancy on that planet, nothing worth living in.” Obi-Wan said.  


“Well, actually, there is a cool castle for sale, but no one has used it for years. I’ve been there,” Kylo explained. Anakin spat out his drink, he knew exactly what castle he was talking about. He quickly glanced at Kylo and drew a line across his throat. He never told Obi-Wan he bought a castle during his run as a Sith, and he never intended to. His emo phase had died with him.  


“Perhaps Shaggious was looking for a home base. Somewhere he could retreat to and plan things out. That’s where I would go,” Kylo remembered his emo phase, which did not die with him, it was out in full force. Being extra was a Skywalker legacy after all.  


“Perfect, that’s where we’ll go next!” Ahsoka added. They all loaded back into their ships and set the GPS to Mustafar, continuing the wild goose chase.


	10. It’s Free Real-Estate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang arrives on mustafar to go house shopping

Landing on the hellscape that is the planet Mustafar, the gang regrouped to go house hunting.

“Hello MTV, and welcome to my crib!” Maz Kanata said, over-enthusiastically.  
“For those of you who don’t know, I bought this castle after my Cantina was destroyed. Luckily I got my real estate license, and I can sell it myself. Come on in, I’ll give you a tour!” The gang followed, with Anakin dragging behind, praying no one would notice his trademark, unique interior design. Obi-Wan stared disgustedly at the walls. 

“This is the most horrible paint color. The floor is absolutely atrocious. Who puts shag carpet in the kitchen?” 

“Actually, it came pre-decorated. I didn’t change a thing,” Maz retorted. “It is pretty ugly though.”

“Wow, whoever decorated this deserves to burn in the lava pits outside. They clearly don’t have an eye for design like a Jedi Master does. That's one of the requirements to rank up. Obviously, I passed.” Obi-wan could barely speak, he was gagging so much.  
Heartbroken and light-headed from the amount of shade, Anakin took a seat. He was a changed man!! He built this castle after a hard break-up. Give a guy a rest already!

“If you follow me down the hall, you’ll notice several chambers. These were actually prisons, but I believe after a little renovating and baby-proofing, this would make a great living room/play area. Great for not only the children but also the men and women too. It’s a nice gathering place,” Maz said, continuing with the tour. 

Three Hours Later

As they were finishing up the tour, the doorbell rang with the Imperial March. Nonplussed, Obi-Wan glanced at Anakin.

“Wow, they’re playing your song,” he said, laughing.   
Anakin was already in a bad mood, and he didn’t need more shade from his old master.

“It’s not my song anymore. I’m into KPop now,” Anakin said, refusing to explain further. They heard Maz open the door, and the unmistakable voice of Babu Frik reached their ears. Maz brought Babu back to the group.

“Hey-hey!” Babu cheered, then said something in Anzellan to Maz.  
“Yes, Babu, I know we closed but I was just sho…” Babu interrupted her with another string of unknown words. He suddenly snapped his fingers and yelled  
“HEY-HEY,” and more words in Anzellan. Maz looked up grimly and said  
“He says the floor is lava,” and jumped to a hideous arm-chair. Everyone quickly got to   
higher ground, as Babu called upon the force to flood the castle with lava. Laughing, Anakin knew Babu was going down. 

“Jokes on you, but I specifically installed anti-lavaflooding precautions!”   
Laughing in retaliation, Babu continued in his native tongue.  
“He says that he’s already taken care of those,” Maz translated.   
Obi-Wan suddenly looked up. “Wait, YOU specifically installed the lava-flooding precautions?”

And in that moment, Anakin knew he had f***ed up.


End file.
